I'm Dreaming of These Holiday Mergers

The recent spate of mergers caused me to wonder why we--the valued customers of these companies--were not consulted about their unions. I know we could pick better partners. So at the top of my Christmas list, I’m asking for mergers that will bring a smile to the face of every employee, customer and even those not-so-lovable boardroom Scrooges.

Take for example the merger of Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines. This merger is destined for failure. Combining airlines intent on rationing peanuts and pillows won’t work.

Instead, I’m calling for a merger of Northwest with Sonic. Sonic Northwest would deliver great burgers and shakes to every passenger. And the Sonic name would force Northwest to speed up flight times. We’d finally get to our destinations on time and without hunger pangs.

Sprint/Nextel’s merger has been a disaster, while Cold Stone Creamery is reported to be struggling.

The solution is obvious. Merge Cold Stone’s singing employees into a new company called “Sprint Stone.”

Sprint Stone customer service reps would provide cheerful assistance, phones that actually work and complimentary “Love It” helpings of delicious ice cream with fruit toppings. We’d never switch phone carriers again.

Now that the merger between GM and Chrysler is dead, GM desperately needs an infusion of “cool.” I’ve got the perfect partner--Apple. Instead of those boring OnStar systems, GM Apple would install high-tech iPod systems. So when you needed help, you’d select your favorite music artist to sing your instructions.

Think about it. How cool would it be to have Elvis sing, “Turn left at the next intersection, thank you very much.” Pavarotti could belt out, “We’ve sent a tow truck to assist you.” And Whitney Houston could sing, “I will always love the Burger King at exit 16.”

Chrysler should merge with The Sharper Image. The Sharper Chrysler would produce Jeeps with massaging chairs, lava lamps for interior lighting, and built-in shoe polishers. They might need to throw in fancy alarm clocks so we don’t fall asleep while driving.

With the economy sputtering, we definitely need Starbucks to merge with the Dollar Store. At Dollar Starbucks, we would shop for those incredible bargains and still get a cup of java for just one buck. I know my coffee would taste better if I only paid $1 for it.

Circuit City is closing stores, but its fortunes would reverse if it merged with Mayo Clinic. At Circuit Clinic, imagine how much better your surgery would be if you could watch your favorite film in high-def with noise-canceling, sound-enhancing headphones during the operation. You might not even need anesthesia.

And for you--our treasured readers--I am wishing that grace, peace and prosperity be extended to your families and businesses throughout 2009.